I hold one baby in my arms and three in my heart.
Miscarriage – the word that is whispered – no one knowing what to say.
Today I met a woman. She introduced herself as Rose and then pointed out her daughter to me. I smiled and we made casual conversation. I commented that she had only one – and made some joke about having one can be easier in that you always know where they are and what they’re doing. She smiled, then looked at her daughter who was across the room and said, “I have one daughter here and three more babies in heaven.” I didn’t question her, I didn’t need too – I understood. Miscarriage.
The worst part of miscarriage is that unlike death – you are often looked over, passed by, forgotten. Not by all mind you, some people really understand. But there remains a pervasive attitude towards miscarriage that you have not really lost a child – for was there even really a child? How far along was she? OH she was only …. well then… that’s not soo bad…. WHAT RUBISH! What brings out this attitude? Is it somehow linked with the thought patterns pro-abortionists try to instill? (To make myself abundantly clear I am NOT pro abortion – no matter how intolerant that makes me… Stand against the masses I shall.)
Let me be clear – whether my baby is one day post conception or 40 days. Whether my baby shows up on the ultrasound screen yet or not – he/she is STILL my baby. I am already a Mother. And to lose that baby breaks my heart.
The first baby I lost – I thought I would die too. At some points, I think my husband did fear that he would lose me – it was a horrific experience most of which I can’t fully remember – but he does. I had just passed my 12 week mark. Was scheduled for my very first midwife appointment that week. I was (we were) so excited. So happy. Deliriously so… unfazed by any fears of loss. Then it happened. And in a matter of 48 hours all of our dreams were shattered.
So ensued the next two years – filled with fear, grief, more loss, and questions. Unanswered questions. I spent countless hours pouring over research on miscarriage. The why’s. The how’s. The probabilities of recurrence. The preventative measures that can be taken. And more importantly – the stories. Millions of women writing their stories – and surprisingly millions of men writing their stories. I wept, agonized, and commiserated with all of them. I could find no one around me who truly understood and could share in my sorrow. I had friends – who loved me beyond belief – but didn’t understand, couldn’t help. And in truth, after a while you feel like you shouldn’t talk about it anymore. Like the girl who’s been dumped and can’t stop talking about her ex. You get the feeling (whether justified or not) that no one really wants to listen anymore. But they don’t quite know how to tell you.
All around me people/friends/colleagues/classmates were having babies. And. I. wasn’t.
Try NOT becoming bitter in such circumstances. After awhile I did stop losing my babies… and then I was no longer able to get pregnant. That’s when I truly believed I was broken.
Obsession and sorrow. Deep rooted sorrow. This was the cloud I walked under. I felt trapped. I shut down. Shut out. Everyone. Life.
Why is there no answer to miscarriage? Why can no one be helped? I know of one couple who lost baby after baby for over ten years. Doctor after doctor. Test after test. No answers. Then after ten years – after countless shattered hearts. They are blessed with a beautiful baby girl. They have her and no other born babies. They’ve not been able to have any since. But they do have her.
This is how I feel about my baby. I have the sweetest, most precious baby boy. A heavenly blessing. A gift from God. And if I can never have another. My heart will still be full.
But before Jude came. There was anger, sorrow, confusion, and much bitterness. And then finally HE cut through. He showed me there was more to me. to my life then having a child. And I was finally able to be free from the agony, the intensity, the obsession. I was finally in a place of complete and utter surrender. And in that place I knew, that whether or not I did have my own child, birthed from my own womb, that my heart would still be full.
Such a long, hard road I walked. And I know that you too have and many are still walking a long, hard road. And although I have a baby now to fill my arms – there are no guarantees that you will.
This page – like most others – does not contain the solution to preventing miscarriage – the solution to conception or the reasons why these things do and do not happen.
Because like all the others who have gone before me and will come after – I have no answers.
Except this one.
No one – no baby – nothing can fill your heart, or your life completely. There are no guarantees in life. My son although conceived, and born a healthy baby could contract a fatal disease tomorrow and pass away, could be hit by car. The list goes on. But the truth remains. Hold tightly to your God – care for the things/people He places in your care. but ultimately remember that HE only holds our future. He only.
Surrender -complete and utter surrender to the One who loved you first, who loves you most, and who will love you always is the only way.
To the one who is hurting – my heart aches with you.