Yesterday was one of those days. One of those “I feel like a failure” kinda’ve days. You know them well, any parent has them I’m sure. Most days I am quite sane and can logically reason and know that I am a loving, attentive parent who is doing the best she can for her children. Then there are those days that I am illogical and take everything to heart and feel as though I am the worst of all parents in the world!
I recently took a new position at work, which comes with its pros and cons. Pros – I no longer work shift work – Cons – for the kids it feels like I’m gone a whole lot more. 4 days in a row every single week.
It’s been three weeks and has been a huge adjustment for the kids, and if I’m honest me as well!
Thus brings us to yesterday.
I arrived home at 5:00 pm, to a very sad little boy. He had wanted to go swimming with his cousins at our friends pool earlier, and because I wasn’t home he hadn’t been able to go. For his tender three-year old heart, the world itself had turned on its axle and his life was over, shattered and nothing shy of a miracle would repair it.
I tried to connect with my friends and take him last-minute but it wasn’t a possibility. Instead, I took him outside for a bike ride, but he just couldn’t shake his sadness, asking me every few minutes if NOW we could go to Auntie Tammy’s house. I wanted to tell him that tomorrow we could go but the problem is that tomorrow I work again. And the next day. And while in an adults mind, its only 4 days a week, and not really that big of a deal. After all, I’m off to spend 3 days with him every single week. Try explaining that to a three-year old with no concept of time – it is nearly impossible. To him Mommy is gone all the time when he wants to go swimming…
After I had the kidlets settled for bed, I sat down and just (for lack of better words) pouted. I love my job and feel that I am doing great work there, I also feel that I am exactly where I need to be. However, I am so exhausted when I come home and the two hours before bed fly by in a tornado of supper prep, tantrum city and finally bedtime routines. I feel as though I’m missing the best parts of their day….
Is this really the best I can do?
Am I failing miserably as a mother?
Can I excel at my work and find purpose and fulfillment there and still meet the needs of my family?
I’m going to miss pool parties. I’m going to spend the craziest most distressing times of the day with my children 4 days each week, missing out on most of those happy playful times of the day. I’m going to disappoint my children. And with these thoughts swirling around in my head my heart grew so sad.
I tried to shake it but I went to bed with a heavy heart.
Then today arrived. And after supper was over Jude and I put on his new french music cd’s we got from his school. We pressed play together and danced. We danced and twirled, marched like soldiers and laughed and laughed. Emma joined us and we held hands and danced in a circle. Emma giggled and put on her sparkly red sunglasses while we danced some more.
Finally Jude collapsed on the couch in a fit of giggles and said, “Mommy you’re so funny. I love you.” My heart swelled. Emma toddled over with her new favourite book and we snuggled together while we read the story of Hermie, a common caterpillar. (GREAT story!!!)
My heart was so full, I thought it would burst.
Maybe I’m not failing after all. Am I tired? Absolutely!
Will Juders miss out on some special day outings when I’m working. Sadly, yes.
BUT, maybe just maybe we’ll make it anyway! 🙂
At the very least, I’ll have a few pictures depicting apparent happy childhood memories! 🙂
Well today concludes with happy children and a happy mommy. Who knows what whirlwind of emotions and events tomorrow will bring, I guess I’ll have to try to keep a sane, logical brain, look at our happy pictures and remember the giggles!
There will be moments that I’ll be a Super Mom and there will be moments that I will super fail… I guess it’s all part and parcel of life.