Mommy’s and the Crazies – at times these two words would appear to be synonymous – one and the same – as inseparable as grains of sand.
OR maybe this only applies to me … am I the only Mom out there that is taken over by the Crazies?
The most recent attack in my world was when I finally conceded that perhaps EBF (exclusively breast feeding) was not going QUITE as well as I had hoped.
here’s the thing.
I struggled to nurse Jude – almost from get go. We had to supplement with formula right from day three until finally at 4 months I had all but dried up and he needed formula exclusively.
How I cried. I fought it. Even though I was nursing him constantly – in the end every single hour of the day – the whole while he was fighting me and screaming STILL I argued that it was fine and I was able to continue.
Finally my friend talked sense into me when we discovered that he had lost two pounds. “ERIN he’s hungry! At this point it doesn’t matter where he gets his food from – he just needs food. And you’re not a bad Mom! You’ve been able to nurse him this long but it’s time to accept the facts and he’s hungry.” This was all said at three in the morning when we had been sitting up with a screaming infant trying in vain to appease his hunger at my breast. I conceded and she prepared him a bottle. WHICH he gulped down furiously and for the first time in a very long time – he stopped crying.
I was adamant that this time I would not go there. If nursing was not successful – if I noticed similar patterns happening, I would not berate myself, feel guilty, or cause undo stress on myself, my family and most importantly my baby.
Emma has been exclusively breast fed since birth. I rejoiced that things were so much different this time and that I was certain THIS baby would be able to nurse for as long as I wanted!
Five months rolled around….
Emma has been slowly spiralling downward with her weight and on the percentile chart. She has gone from a happy baby to crying and feeding every hour. AND YET! somehow – it still took a kick in the butt from yes the same friend to make me succumb and feed my poor hungry baby formula.
Why does this happen? More to the point why do I allow myself to go there with my thoughts. And let’s be real here for a moment. It isn’t just in cases of breastmilk vs. formula. Why to Mom’s allow the ‘crazies’ to get them? I think this is an appropriate word for the ridiculous expectations we put on ourselves to be perfect, raise perfect children and provide the perfect home, emotionally, physically, creatively – you name it.
And MORE to the point the ‘crazies’ appropriately describes the ridiculous blame we both accept and pour onto ourselves when AMAZINGLY life is NOT perfect – nor are we or our children.
I cannot tell you the countless blogs, articles etc I have read that very aptly (although by different names) describes exactly to what I am referring to. AND YET! Here I am. Yet again.
We berate ourselves when our child isn’t the same athlete as other children. When we’re so tired we aren’t making homemade mac and cheese with hidden veggie gems! (instead we open a box of good ole Kraft Dinner – Mac N Cheese for my American friends!) AND if they’re lucky a carrot stick on the side WHICH my son won’t touch to save his life.
What about when – GASP – our child doesn’t share, play nicely, or obey instantly in public! When yet again he/she throws an all out tantrum in the supermarket.
oh the joys of REAL parenting!
I have a very vivid imagination – always have – its both my blessing and my curse. In this case my imagination feeds into my crazies. See I have an incredible picture of exactly how life will go. I will be famed as the incredible mother who raised the perfect child who grew up to be so healthy and of course a rock star! My son will be godly, sweet, strong and kind to all. My daughter will be godly, intelligent, independent, beautiful.
And all this resides on my shoulders. I alone hold the power to determine the course of their lives – what they will become.
And of course it begins now. With one single bottle of formula I hold in my hand. Is it poison? Will my baby now suffer from obesity issues? Will her health decline rapidly now that she is receiving all my goodness (which in all honesty consists of a lot of diet pepsi, chocolate and kraft dinner).
You all reading this can very clearly see how utterly, and completely ridiculous I sound! Right? Of course you can because you are all intelligent people!
So I thought I was – and yet….
WHY do we (ok I HAVE to say WE because I just CANNOT be the only Mom out there who struggles) drive ourselves crazy???
Am I cloth diapering?
Am I buying all organic veggies?
Does the T.V. ever get used to appease? (don’t even get me started on Television!)
Do we make homemade playdough and paint? Or buy from the store the ones FULL of toxic chemicals??
Bottom line: there is such a movement out there of the world’s greatest Mom. I’m Pretty sure it stems from Facebook and Pintrest. SERIOUSLY how do some Mom’s do it? (Or is this all a conspiracy to make Real Mom’s feel like utter, wretched, dismal failures.
Today – I’ve decide that I’m just going to be ok being me. And that Me gives my daughter formula – my son will probably have KD for lunch – and later we might snuggle and watch a movie together because these sleepless nights are REALLY wearing me down.
And that’s ok.
CRAZY you won’t win my mind today. Maybe tomorrow BUT CERTAINLY not today.